Happy Halloween!

We didn't take Neriah out since she's still pretty young, but we spent the day brewing beer with Chad, Lynda, and their 8 month old, Kiehl. It was a lot of fun, and we dressed Neriah up in a Halloween onesie and baby legs. She's so cute! I can't wait til next year when we'll be able to put her in a real costume and take her trick or treating. And James can't wait til the end of Nov. when he gets to try the beer he made!!

Pedi Appointments and Rolling Over

Neriah is still gaining really slowly, so we're off to see a pediatrician tomorrow morning. Hopefully there's nothing wrong, and Neriah is just a skinny girl!

And in happier news, Neriah rolled from back to belly today!! She's 14 weeks 2 days old. What a strong girl!

Lactation Consultant

We finally broke down and called Renee, the lactation consultant that has been repeatedly recommended to us. Why oh why did we not do this sooner?? It was awesome. She spent two hours with us getting info and watching me feed Neriah. She gave us lots of tips to get more food into Riah. This was last Wed., and when we weighed Neriah on Monday, she was up to 11lbs 5 1/2 oz! Yay!! Renee said she would like to see Neriah gain even more, so to keep up our new routine, which is fine with me!

I'm feeling really encouraged that things are starting to look up. Neriah seems much happier, and is having super heavy wet diapers. She also has longer naps during the day and more awake time. I'm so glad! Renee is a miracle worker, and I would recommend her to anyone having any breastfeeding issues!!

And here's a recent picture to enjoy:

9 Weeks, 1 Day

Naturopathic Visit and Other News

We weighed Neriah today on the same scale, and she is up 6oz! She now weighs 10lbs. 14oz. at 9 weeks. Yay! I was told to feed her every two hours and wake her every three to four at night... sigh. We're going back to get her weighed again in two weeks.

We also went to a naturopathic doctor today. It was awesome!! The doctor thinks Neriah has some stomach issues because they first thing she had to eat was formula. She said formula changes the PH balance in the stomach, and Neriah didn't have colostrum to coat the stomach first. She told us to massage Neriah's belly with Castor oil once a day, and told us some other stuff to give her to flush her belly out. I can't wait to see if it makes a difference!

Also, Neriah rolled over for the first time today! She's done it three times so far, so we know it wasn't just a fluke.

On another note, I hate my post-baby body. I've gained a lot of weight since I got married, and then gained WAY more when I was pregnant. I just feel gross, and have for a while. I gained 30 pounds in the two years since I got married, and another forty when I was pregnant. So I decided to do something about it. I ordered the 30 Day Shred DVD by Jillian Michaels, the trainer from The Biggest Loser, as well as The Biggest Loser Cookbook. I talked a friend of mine, Danielle, into doing the Shred with me so we can hold each other accountable. I can't wait!! My goal weight is 125 which is what I was before I got married. Right now I'm around 165. I really hope to make a life style change! I can't wait to get started!

So Discouraged

Just when I thought we had really gotten the hang of everything, I took Neriah to get weighed, and she's lost weight. At six weeks she was 10lbs 10oz, and at eight weeks she was 10lbs 8oz. I've also noticed she wasn't having six soaking wet diapers a day. I was/am so worried. Now what?! I can't FORCE her to eat more, and when I try, she has a major meltdown!!

Luckily, her wet diaper count is back up, and she's still having plenty of dirty diapers. We're going in again next week to get her weighed again on the same scale and then we're going to go from there. It's really one thing after another!!!

Updates

The chiropractor appointment went well. Neriah had three places that needed adjusting. The chiro said that's normal for babies, and that Neriah was no worse than most. The next step is seeing a lactation consultant, and then one follow up at the chiro.

And before I forget, I want to record Neriah's stats. At birth she was 8lbs. 10.6oz., at two weeks 9lbs., at four weeks 9lbs. 12oz., and at six weeks (after two weeks of exclusive breastfeeding) 10lbs. 10oz. She's a big girl!!

Taking Neriah to a Chiropractor

My mom sent me this article: http://www.chiroweb.com/mpacms/dc/article.php?id=42489 , and after discussing it with our midwife, we decided we're going to take Neriah to a chiropractor. After such a long labour, and especially pushing/crowning stage, we figure even if it doesn't help with our BFing issues, it can't be bad. Our appointment is Wed., and I can't wait to see if it helps anything! Our doula said she has seen really grumpy babies become happy and calm after an adjustment. Interesting....

Breastfeeding may be 'natural', but it's not easy!

Neriah started bouncing her way to the breast as soon as she was placed with her chest on my chest. It was so cool to watch!! She made her way to the left breast, and Shan began helping me get Neriah latched on. As soon as she latched, the nurse came and took her away to do all the wrapping, weighing, etc.

A couple hours later, a nurse came in to help me get Neriah latched. While we were attempting this, Neriah's face froze and twitched, while her eyes started shaking back and forth. The nurse took Neriah and put her back in her 'bed', while she went to get someone from the NICU. The NICU lady took Neriah away to observe her for the night. There Neriah was given a bottle of formula. I don't recall being asked about this.

At home, less than 24 hours after Neriah was born, I attempted to get her latched again. It hurt SO badly, which is a sign of a bad latch. I couldn't for the life of me get Neriah to take more than the nipple... OUCH. We called Shan who came to help. We still couldn't get her latched. I started expressing colostrum and Shan showed me how to feed Neriah with a spoon.

That night was the worst. I was expressing SO hard, I majorly damaged/bruised my breast tissue. I was desperate to feed my baby! Neriah screamed all night, until finally at 2:30am, we called the on-call midwife who told us it would be fine to get some formula and cup feed it. I was so upset! The last thing I had wanted was to feed my baby formula.

The next day Shan came back with a friend who donated some breastmilk to us. What a blessing to be able to feed Neriah breastmilk instead of formula!! Apparently, Neriah had a small mouth, and couldn't fit enough of my breast into her mouth. We started to feed her with a syringe. I couldn't do it. Neriah would get frantic and move so much, I would bash her gums with the syringe. It made me sick to my stomach. I was also so devastated that I couldn't feed my baby that I cried all the time. The first week or two of Neriah's life was me crying and regretting having her. Poor James had to do all the feedings, and I was so upset that I couldn't feed her, that I couldn't even be in the room while he did it. I was so mad at Neriah, and I felt so jealous that James loved her so much, whereas I didn't feel like I did.

I started pumping right away, and my milk came in on day three I think. I was lucky to produce a lot, and had enough to feed Neriah all breastmilk. No more formula!!

After a couple of days, we got a tube thing that attached to the syringe so we could tape it to our finger and finger feed her (as shown in the picture). That was SO much easier because there was no way to injure Neriah's poor mouth. We began to get into a rhythm with finger feeding, and I started to feel better. I offered my breast at least once a day, which always ended in both Neriah and me bawling out of frustration, and me passing her to James to feed. It was horrible.

We finger fed Neriah for three weeks. She got so much air and would cry out of pain because of the gas. The syringe was a 20cc syringe, and Neriah sometimes ate close to 200cc's. Feeding her sometimes took close to three hours because we constantly had to burp her, refill the syringe, and warm the breastmilk. It was so tiring. By the time we were done with a feed, it was almost time to feed her again.

Everyone kept telling us that she would eventually get it. All I wanted to do was give up and giver her a bottle with formula. I hated pumping every two-four hours. Sometimes I would miss a pump, and I was so scared my supply would dry up. At the same time, I almost wanted it to so I could just give up. Neriah had successfully latched on a couple of times, which kept me from giving up. I knew she COULD get it.

Honestly, one of the main things that kept me from giving up was the midwives. I couldn't face going to an appointment and telling them I was bottle feeding formula. I had it in my mind that I would give up after my last, 6 week appointment.

The midwives referred me to the breastfeeding clinic in Vancouver. We went in to show the doctor what Neriah would do at the breast. She would latch on, suck for a bit, pull off. Repeat until she was screaming in frustration. Well, at the clinic, Neriah latched on right away!! I was SO mad! She had done this previously at the midwife's office too. Luckily, she didn't stay on long, and the resident got to see a little of what she usually did. The doctor came in and told me to use the nipple shield. I had tried this before, and it hurt SO badly. I did not want to use it. The tried to get Neriah to latch on the shield so that it wouldn't hurt, but it still did. They still wanted me to use it and they made me an appointment to go back in a week. They also gave us permission to use bottles. What a blessing to not have to finger feed anymore!! Though it took some time for Neriah to figure out how to use a bottle, it was still easier than finger feeding.

Neriah didn't latch on once after the clinic appointment. When we went back to the clinic, again, Neriah latched on right away and had a full feed on both breasts. The doctor acted like it was my fault for not trying hard enough. Was she aware of all I had been through?! That we were so determined to breastfeed that we finger fed for three weeks?! The doctor actually acted like we were stupid for finger feeding. Both appointments kind of made me feel dumb, and really weren't that helpful.

However, after that second appointment, when Neriah was four weeks old, she finally started to get the hang of breastfeeding!! We were still using the nipple shield, but that was okay. I was so excited and proud of my little baby!

Today is the first day we haven't used a bottle. AND we've only used the nipple shield once, and only on one side!! I am SO glad I didn't give up!!! That's not to say it's easy. It's still hard. We both still get frustrated sometimes. It still hurts. I actually heated up a bottle today when Neriah had been feeding for over two hours, and I didn't see an end in sight. She wouldn't take it though, and I was kind of glad. Breastfeeding is finally becoming the 'bonding' experience everyone says it is!

Birth Story

I woke up on July 9th at 5am-ish to a 'gush' feeling. I assumed it was just discharge and almost went back to sleep, but decided to get up and go to the bathroom to check it out. What I found was tons of pink, very water-y discharge. I thought it was my water breaking because I always thought 'bloody show' was mucus-y. It wasn't my water though, because it didn't keep leaking. I was having menstrual-like cramps and a backache. James randomly woke up at the same time (very weird for him to wake up so early). When he walked passed the bathroom, I called him in and showed him the damage in my panties, and told him I thought I was in labour. I was shaking like crazy!!

I called my doula right away, and she told me to call when anything changed. I started timing my contractions, and they were already 3-5 min. apart, lasting about 30-60 seconds, but they still didn't hurt, and I had no trouble talking through them. Because they were already so close and my doula lives a good 45 min. away, she decided to make her way to me. :)

I showered and got ready for the journey ahead! I was SO excited/anxious. When the doula, Shan, arrived, we just hung out and talked for a while, and then she made me go for a walk. We walked down to the park near our house and did the stairs a billion times. I warned her I was a whiner, and I'm glad I did, because I did NOT want to do the stairs. So I whined about it, and did it anyway. We went back home and it started to become a little more difficult to talk through contractions, but I still felt totally fine. We went for a second walk/stair climbing outing, and Shan told me I could stop and 'dance' through contractions if I needed to. In all honesty, I really wanted to stop during contractions, because they were really starting to hurt, but I was too embarrassed to do it on the street. :) So I just walked/climbed through them.

The contractions got really strong around 2-3pm. The midwife came to check in after clinic hours, probably around 4 or 5pm. She decided to stay because my contractions were strong, long, and close together. Both the midwife and Shan guessed I'd be having my baby before midnight!!

We started filling the tub, and it felt so awesome to get in. From there I really lost track of time. The contractions were so intense! I couldn't have done it without Shan, the midwife, and James. I had back labour the whole time, and I need someone pushing hard on my back during every contraction. We weren't really sure why I was having such intense back labour, because the baby was in the proper position. We found out later!!

When I got checked, I was four centimeters, and there was a bulging bag. This meant that the baby's head couldn't push properly on my cervix. I was given the option to have the bag broken. After talking it through with Shan, I decided to do it. It *should* have sped things up a bit because the head could push better on my cervix, though I was warned the contractions would get more intense. I decided I would rather have it faster and more intense than longer, because it was already turning into a long labour, and I was getting tired! I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and I don't think I was drinking enough.

Getting my water broken was the most intense part of the labour up til that point! OUCH! This was done around 11pm. I started having trouble coping at that point, but I was still doing my best. The water was amazing, as were the midwife, Shan, and James! Little did I know that James was really struggling through the process. I made him get in the tub with me to push on my back. He told me later he was really angry that I was going through so much pain. After a while, they moved me out of the water because labour wasn't moving along. This was around 12:30 and I was 6cm.

I then laboured sitting backward on the toilet with a pillow on the tank to lean on. Shan and the midwife took turns sitting on the birthing ball behind me to push on my back. I really couldn't cope at this point. I remember yelling, "Someone help me! I don't know what to do!" while bawling. I don't remember the pain now, but just thinking about yelling this makes me tear up a bit. It was so intense!!! James had to step out during this time. I guess he stopped being able to cope too. :) He went out to the street to pray, and he could hear me screaming from there. Poor guy.

I was checked again around 4am, hoping I was closer to 10cm. We were all surprised to hear that I was STILL 6cm. I told the midwife before she checked me, that if nothing had changed, I had to go to the hospital to get an epidural. I was devastated. I felt like such a failure, and I could hear certain people in my life saying, "I told you so!" I just couldn't cope anymore though. It had almost been 24 hours of labour, and I was exhausted.

The drive to the hospital was the worst thing ever. I had two loooooooong contractions. Sitting upright with no pressure on my back was hell. I was literally SCREAMING. James was speeding like crazy, and when we got there, he RAN into the emergency room. The hospital staff offered me a wheel chair, but there was no way I could sit down. I had to stop a bunch of times on the way to maternity ward, and I was yelling in the halls. I felt bad for people who were trying to sleep, but I couldn't help it!

Once I got to the room, I was put in a gown (I honestly have no memory of this) and was given Nitrous Oxide. It was gross, it did nothing, and I hated it. I was given an IV. On the first attempt, the nurse blew my vein. It hurt really badly. At this point, James was throwing up in the bathroom. He said he couldn't handle seeing me in so much pain, and he saw all the blood as my vein was blown, and it was all too much for him.

I was also given Fentanyl , which is a narcotic. It made me instantly loopy and I felt super dizzy. Everything was happening so quickly, and the pain was so intense, I honestly don't remember much of this. My midwife fought for me to get the epidural right away, and I got it around 6 or 6:30am. FINALLY RELIEF!! The effects were all the way up to my breasts, and the nurse was surprised I wasn't struggling to breath, but I felt fine. I slept on and off while the nurse took my blood pressure and messed with me. I wasn't allowed to eat, so it had been over 24 hours. I ate ice chips once and a while. I was starving.

I was also really emotional that I had to come to the hospital and get drugs. I had dreams of the perfect homebirth you see in videos, and it's so not what I got. I felt like such a failure, but Shan and the midwife told me I did great, and I worked hard, and I shouldn't feel bad. Once a doctor came in and pretty bluntly told me that I might need a csection and it wasn't that big of a deal because they do them all the time. I started bawling. A section was my worst nightmare, and so far from the homebirth I had planned!

I hung out with Shan and James (when he wasn't sleeping) for a long time. My contractions slowed down a little bit, and I had to get a little bit of pitocin. FINALLY at 12:30pm, I was 10cm. Though the epidural was wearing off, I couldn't feel my contractions at first, so I was told when to push. James couldn't handle watching me in pain again, so he hung out on the floor of the bathroom. We told him we'd call him when the baby was coming.

After the first hour or two of pushing, I started being able to feel the contractions and the urge to push. It was intense. I could feel the baby moving down. I didn't know it, but the nurse was hinting to the midwife that I should get some help to get the baby out (the vacuum), but the midwife held her ground. I was progressing, and the baby was handling the labour/pushing fine, so she let me keep going. At the almost four hour mark, my midwife started thinking about calling for the vacuum. She was going to give me 15 more min. (She didn't tell me this). Apparently I read her mind, cause at that point I started pushing really well, and they started being able to see the baby's head!! The crowning stage hurt pretty badly; the whole 'ring of fire' thing. I was yelling for her to pull the baby out, but she kind of laughed and said she couldn't do that. The feeling of the baby's body coming out was the weirdest thing. I guess I just said, "Whoa". Then all of a sudden she was on my belly!! James apparently said, "We have a human!" Shan made fun of him after... haha.

Neriah was so beautiful! She was semi blue and her breathing sounded weird to James and me, but everyone said it was all normal! She gave me a second degree tear because her hand was up near her face. This is why I didn't dilate properly. Her head was tilted because of her hand near her face, and the cord was wrapped around her shoulder holding her hand/arm up there! This was also the reason for the back labour. Her elbow was jamming in my back the whole time!

Neriah had to spend the night in the NICU because her eyes kept shaking back and forth and her whole face kind of twitched/tensed up. It was pretty scary, but everything turned out to be fine. In the NICU they gave her a bottle of formula and a bath without asking/letting us watch. At the time I was too exhausted and not thinking properly to care much, but looking back it makes me really mad. I didn't want her to have a bottle, formula, OR a bath. GRR!

After processing the whole experience, I no longer feel like a failure. I did my best, and my midwife told me at a later appointment that she has no doubt I could have birthed my baby at home if her hand wouldn't have been up at her face. She said I did my labour and then some. :) I'm still disappointed of course, but I did what I HAD to do. I'm actually finding everything after her birth to be harder than getting her here. I didn't have that 'instant bond' everyone talks about. I wasn't 'in love' with Neriah right away, and I didn't feel like I loved her for over a week.
Feeding her has been the hardest struggle of all, and caused me a lot of resentment toward her and toward James who didn't have to feel the same struggle, and got to love her/bond with her with no strings attached. I'll write more about that another time seeing as this is already a novel. Just know that things are so much better now and even though from the beginning of labour to now nothing has been what I thought it would be, I wouldn't trade Neriah for the world. I love her more than I thought possible, and I told her the other day that even if she never breastfeeds, she's exactly the baby I wanted. :)

God has taught me so much through her already, and I know this will continue my whole life! How exciting!

Neriah Margaret

I went into labour early on July 9th, and had my 8lbs 10.6oz baby girl at 3:26pm on July 10th. I will write out my birth story when our wireless starts working. It's too hot in the solarium to stay in here long. Here are some pictures of our beautiful little girl!