New Milestones Make Me Tired

I guess I should have known last night would be rough with Neriah attempting to master so many new skills. I put her down at 7:45ish and she was still sleeping when James and I went to bed at 9:30 (which is pretty much a miracle). I knew she would be up soon to nurse, and a couple min. later, I saw her head pop up. She didn't just come over to me to nurse though, and I knew we were in for it.

She woke up hyper and wide awake. We took shifts attempting to rock her back to sleep, but every time one of us got her to sleep, she woke up as soon as, or a couple min. after she was put down. I finally told James to just bring her out to the living room and let her play until she was tired. When we have to do this every once and a while, we leave her in her sleep sac, don't turn on any lights, and don't engage her at all so she's aware it's still nighttime.

Around midnight, James brought her back to the bedroom and was rocking her, but she was crying, which is usually my cue. So I got out of bed and started rocking her and James left the room. I was getting frustrated, so I put her down and went to find James and take a little Neriah break. He was sitting on the floor of the bathroom and said he felt sick and was going to puke.

At this point Neriah started crying from the bedroom, so I went in and laid down with her, hoping she would just fall asleep (and knowing she wouldn't). That's when James started puking, and holy crap does he ever puke loudly. Neriah got scared and started wailing. I brought her out and got James a glass of water (she wouldn't let me put her down).

I finally got Neriah back to sleep at 12:30 and set James up a bed in the hallway in case he had to throw up again. Neriah was pretty restless all night and we didn't sleep well. She's really grumpy today... sigh. James feels better though thank goodness.

Stupid milestones!! I hate that they affect sleep so much!

New Milestones Make Me Sad

Is that bad? Don't get me wrong, I get so proud of Neriah when she learns to do something new. I cheer and clap and squeal and give kisses so she knows how happy she makes us. But I can't help but be sad too. Every milestone is a bit of her babyness vanishing. I want her to stay my baby forever--in this time when mistakes are so easily forgiven and time with Mommy is not just wanted, but essential for survival. I'm not ready for her to run away from me and hold little grudges and not want to be worn and not want to nurse. Just thinking that a time like that is coming makes me cry. :(

Neriah pulled up to standing yesterday. She hadn't even pulled herself to a sitting position yet, and there she was, standing and looking up at me like she knew what she had just done was something big. She was so proud of herself. And I was a little sad. Then she crawled a step. A real crawl. I don't think it will be long before she's no longer army crawling like a baby, but real crawling.

Today she got herself to a sitting position. Why do these milestones come back to back? Slow down little monster!

I'm scared and excited to see what comes next!

Babywearing Series - What NOT To Buy

So now that we know the benefits of babywearing, let's narrow down our choices by identifying what not to buy and why.

The first carrier you should never buy, is any type of bag sling.
These slings are dangerous and have caused infant deaths even when used properly. A bag sling is impossible to use safely as the baby will either be chin to chest, or covered by material, all which can lead to suffocation. For more info, check here.

Though the next carriers I'm going to mention are highly superior to a dangerous bag sling (also known as 'the sling of death'), they still suck for their own reasons. Carriers like the Baby Bjorn, Snugli, and Infantino soft structured carrier are really bad for a couple reasons.

First, the carriers are very uncomfortable for the wearer, especially as baby gets older. Even ones that claim to have lumbar support are really bad for people with bad backs (or even with good backs!).

Second, the carriers dangle the poor baby from their crotch bone! Who would want to be carried around with all their weight resting on their crotch, as if sitting on a bicycle seat? No one!! Not only is this uncomfortable for the poor baby, it can also lead to poor spine development. Not only that, but can lead to hip dysplasia! Why take that risk just because these carriers are readily available?

So if you have one of these carriers (especially a bag sling), throw it out (or return it if you can)! Don't even give it to a second hand store, as someone else who doesn't know better will waste their money. Until we stand up against these poorly designed carriers that can cause damage or even death, the companies will continue to make them.

Family Day!

We try to make Saturday's 'family day' since James gets the whole day off. James usually takes Neriah when she first wakes up so I can sleep for a couple more hours. When I get up, we usually have a pancake breakfast and watch a sermon together. Last week we gave Neriah her first pancake on Pancake Saturday.

Today we had a really packed day. Neriah woke up at 7:30, so James took her and I slept until 8:30ish. While I was sleeping, James had cleaned the whole apartment! Then it was time for Neriah's first nap. When she woke up, we got dinner together (a roast) and threw it in the crock pot, showered, and got ready for our day. By then it was already 1:30, and Neriah naps again around 2pm, so we put her down and spent some time just the two of us, reading and online window shopping.

Neriah woke up around 3:30, and we packed up and headed to the park near our apartment for the first time. It was such a beautiful day today, and we got to use our new ring sling for the first time!

We both loved it! Though I love our Ergo for long walks, for quick trips, the ring sling was so easy and Neriah loves to look out at everyone. We bought it at sleepingbaby.net. I highly recommend Jan's slings! And Jan is so helpful and her prices are great!

Anyway, Neriah loved the park. She was 'talking' and growling at the kids as they ran by and loved watching them. I can tell she's going to be one of the rough kids that some others are afraid of. I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble!

We also put her in a swing, which she was pretty indifferent too. She's actually a pretty serious baby and it's hard to get a smile out of her, especially when she's out.

But we eventually got a smirk out of her.

When Neriah had enough of the swing,

we sat on a bench and watched the kids playing on the equipment. She really liked that. Afterwards, we made a trip to Chapters and browsed the kids section. I found "The Paper Bag Princess" for toddlers as a cardboard book, and had to have it. Is it just me, or is it really weird that James has never heard of Robert Munsch?

The car ride home wasn't too bad this time. Neriah hates car rides and usually screams the whole time, but I read her new book to her a couple times, and held of most of the tears.

Now Neriah's in bed (and James put her down! Hallelujah!) and we have a little time to ourselves before we head off too. It was a great day! I just love Family Day!

8 Months Old

Neriah turned eight months on Wednesday. I can't believe how quickly baby-hood goes! In four months she'll be into toddlerhood! Though it's sad, it is also so fun to watch this little person grow up. These are some things Neriah likes to do now that she's a month older:

- Lay on her back and clap her feet together

- Lay on her back and play with her sippy cups

- Throw small tantrums when I take something away she shouldn't be playing with

- Throw small tantrums when I say, "No"

- Play with wooden blocks and puzzle pieces (which includes eating them, banging them on things, banging them on each other, and crawling around with one in each hand, or one in her mouth)

- Look out the window

- Lick/kiss/bang on her reflection in the mirror

- Lick/eat shoes

She has also started to attempt pulling up. She's not even close to having success just yet, but I can tell it won't be too long!

At eight months she also has four teeth: both middle bottom ones, and her left top front as well as the one beside it. That's right, she has no teeth on the right up top yet! It's just like her to do things so out of order. ;) Can't wait to see what this new month will bring!

Wordless Wednesday - Mobile Baby

Babywearing Series - Benefits

I love babywearing. In fact, I think Neriah has been in a stroller a total of five times since she's been born, and every time except once, I have taken her out of the stroller and strapped her on or carried her before our outing was over.

There are so many carriers out there, which can be a good and a bad thing. Shopping for the perfect carrier can be overwhelming, especially if your area doesn't have a store that has a variety of carriers you can try on. This also means you probably have to order online. In these series of posts, I'll attempt to make it a little easier for you. :) You're welcome. ;)

First, let's highlight the benefits of babywearing, shall we?

Babies who are worn cry less. I'm sure that sounds good to any mom, especially of a fussy baby! Anthropologists have observed that crying is not 'normal' for a baby. In other cultures, babies cry for mere min. a day, while in western cultures, babies sometimes cry for hours every day. In the other cultures, babies are normally carried/worn, and are only put down to sleep (which happens next to the mom). When the parent cannot wear/carry the baby, the baby is held/worn by someone else.

Babies who are worn learn more. Because these babies are crying less, they have more time to take in the world around them. They are more often in a state of 'quiet alertness', which is said to be the most optimal state for learning. These babies are also in a better position to explore the world visually and can interact better with others.

Babies who are worn are smarter. Babies can better experience their environment while being worn, which stimulates nerves to connect, and helps the brain grow.

Babywearing is convenient. No more lugging around a heavy baby in a heavy car seat! No more trying to maneuver a stroller while shopping or walking down a busy street. No more hauling a stroller in and out of your trunk with a crying baby waiting in the car.

Babywearing promotes attachment. Let's face it. Babies like to be held. Actually, they need to be held, especially right after birth. Wearing your baby creates an environment much like the one they just left: warm, cozy, snug, and close to mommy's beating heart.

Babywearing counts as tummy time. That's right! Babywearing is as good for developing neck development as tummy time is! Good news for mamas of babies who hate being on their bellies!

Babywearing aids in breastfeeding. Newborns will nurse more frequently when they are worn (especially if you wear them skin to skin) which will help greatly with mama's milk supply.

And my absolute favourite: Gross strangers are much less likely to touch your baby when s/he is being worn!

These are just some benefits. Check out more at askdrsears.com or even google 'benefits of babywearing.'

And here's a picture of my usually fussy baby, totally calm and content while shopping:

Appointment with a New Doctor

Well we finally found a family doctor, which is almost impossible in this city. Neriah had her first appointment today and it went really well. She now weighs 15lbs 13oz. at 7 1/2 months, which is in the 25th percentile. She has been in that percentile consistently since 9 weeks, so I guess everything worked out and is totally normal now.

The doctor said to keep doing what we're doing because everything is looking great. What a relief to finally have a doctor tell us everything is good! Haha. As we left, Neriah waved 'bye' and the Dr. said Neriah is really smart for her age! But we already knew that. :)

Neriah's new favourite things to do are:

- army crawl every where, especially where she knows she's not supposed to be (like in the laundry closet)

- play with the books in the book shelf, where she always ends up hitting her head/face and crying

- push onto all fours as well as onto her hands and feet

- scrunch her face up while breathing quickly through her nose

- chew on anything and everything

- try to pick up fuzz, coins, pieces of paper, etc., and put them in her mouth

- jump like crazy in her jumperoo

- scream, shriek, growl, and generally be very monster like

She's also officially hit the separation anxiety phase, and usually cries if she can't see me, or if she can see me and someone else is holding her (even when it's Daddy!). Though I kind of like it, it sucks that I'm the only one who can comfort her.

Neriah still wakes up every two hours at night to eat, but is starting to sometimes do some three hour stretches.

All in all, life with my little wild thing is exhausting, but amazing! She's so smart and is learning something new every day. Being a mommy is the best!

Wordless Wednesday - Bathtime with Daddy

Happy Halloween!

We didn't take Neriah out since she's still pretty young, but we spent the day brewing beer with Chad, Lynda, and their 8 month old, Kiehl. It was a lot of fun, and we dressed Neriah up in a Halloween onesie and baby legs. She's so cute! I can't wait til next year when we'll be able to put her in a real costume and take her trick or treating. And James can't wait til the end of Nov. when he gets to try the beer he made!!

Pedi Appointments and Rolling Over

Neriah is still gaining really slowly, so we're off to see a pediatrician tomorrow morning. Hopefully there's nothing wrong, and Neriah is just a skinny girl!

And in happier news, Neriah rolled from back to belly today!! She's 14 weeks 2 days old. What a strong girl!

Lactation Consultant

We finally broke down and called Renee, the lactation consultant that has been repeatedly recommended to us. Why oh why did we not do this sooner?? It was awesome. She spent two hours with us getting info and watching me feed Neriah. She gave us lots of tips to get more food into Riah. This was last Wed., and when we weighed Neriah on Monday, she was up to 11lbs 5 1/2 oz! Yay!! Renee said she would like to see Neriah gain even more, so to keep up our new routine, which is fine with me!

I'm feeling really encouraged that things are starting to look up. Neriah seems much happier, and is having super heavy wet diapers. She also has longer naps during the day and more awake time. I'm so glad! Renee is a miracle worker, and I would recommend her to anyone having any breastfeeding issues!!

And here's a recent picture to enjoy:

9 Weeks, 1 Day

Naturopathic Visit and Other News

We weighed Neriah today on the same scale, and she is up 6oz! She now weighs 10lbs. 14oz. at 9 weeks. Yay! I was told to feed her every two hours and wake her every three to four at night... sigh. We're going back to get her weighed again in two weeks.

We also went to a naturopathic doctor today. It was awesome!! The doctor thinks Neriah has some stomach issues because they first thing she had to eat was formula. She said formula changes the PH balance in the stomach, and Neriah didn't have colostrum to coat the stomach first. She told us to massage Neriah's belly with Castor oil once a day, and told us some other stuff to give her to flush her belly out. I can't wait to see if it makes a difference!

Also, Neriah rolled over for the first time today! She's done it three times so far, so we know it wasn't just a fluke.

On another note, I hate my post-baby body. I've gained a lot of weight since I got married, and then gained WAY more when I was pregnant. I just feel gross, and have for a while. I gained 30 pounds in the two years since I got married, and another forty when I was pregnant. So I decided to do something about it. I ordered the 30 Day Shred DVD by Jillian Michaels, the trainer from The Biggest Loser, as well as The Biggest Loser Cookbook. I talked a friend of mine, Danielle, into doing the Shred with me so we can hold each other accountable. I can't wait!! My goal weight is 125 which is what I was before I got married. Right now I'm around 165. I really hope to make a life style change! I can't wait to get started!

So Discouraged

Just when I thought we had really gotten the hang of everything, I took Neriah to get weighed, and she's lost weight. At six weeks she was 10lbs 10oz, and at eight weeks she was 10lbs 8oz. I've also noticed she wasn't having six soaking wet diapers a day. I was/am so worried. Now what?! I can't FORCE her to eat more, and when I try, she has a major meltdown!!

Luckily, her wet diaper count is back up, and she's still having plenty of dirty diapers. We're going in again next week to get her weighed again on the same scale and then we're going to go from there. It's really one thing after another!!!

Updates

The chiropractor appointment went well. Neriah had three places that needed adjusting. The chiro said that's normal for babies, and that Neriah was no worse than most. The next step is seeing a lactation consultant, and then one follow up at the chiro.

And before I forget, I want to record Neriah's stats. At birth she was 8lbs. 10.6oz., at two weeks 9lbs., at four weeks 9lbs. 12oz., and at six weeks (after two weeks of exclusive breastfeeding) 10lbs. 10oz. She's a big girl!!

Taking Neriah to a Chiropractor

My mom sent me this article: http://www.chiroweb.com/mpacms/dc/article.php?id=42489 , and after discussing it with our midwife, we decided we're going to take Neriah to a chiropractor. After such a long labour, and especially pushing/crowning stage, we figure even if it doesn't help with our BFing issues, it can't be bad. Our appointment is Wed., and I can't wait to see if it helps anything! Our doula said she has seen really grumpy babies become happy and calm after an adjustment. Interesting....

Breastfeeding may be 'natural', but it's not easy!

Neriah started bouncing her way to the breast as soon as she was placed with her chest on my chest. It was so cool to watch!! She made her way to the left breast, and Shan began helping me get Neriah latched on. As soon as she latched, the nurse came and took her away to do all the wrapping, weighing, etc.

A couple hours later, a nurse came in to help me get Neriah latched. While we were attempting this, Neriah's face froze and twitched, while her eyes started shaking back and forth. The nurse took Neriah and put her back in her 'bed', while she went to get someone from the NICU. The NICU lady took Neriah away to observe her for the night. There Neriah was given a bottle of formula. I don't recall being asked about this.

At home, less than 24 hours after Neriah was born, I attempted to get her latched again. It hurt SO badly, which is a sign of a bad latch. I couldn't for the life of me get Neriah to take more than the nipple... OUCH. We called Shan who came to help. We still couldn't get her latched. I started expressing colostrum and Shan showed me how to feed Neriah with a spoon.

That night was the worst. I was expressing SO hard, I majorly damaged/bruised my breast tissue. I was desperate to feed my baby! Neriah screamed all night, until finally at 2:30am, we called the on-call midwife who told us it would be fine to get some formula and cup feed it. I was so upset! The last thing I had wanted was to feed my baby formula.

The next day Shan came back with a friend who donated some breastmilk to us. What a blessing to be able to feed Neriah breastmilk instead of formula!! Apparently, Neriah had a small mouth, and couldn't fit enough of my breast into her mouth. We started to feed her with a syringe. I couldn't do it. Neriah would get frantic and move so much, I would bash her gums with the syringe. It made me sick to my stomach. I was also so devastated that I couldn't feed my baby that I cried all the time. The first week or two of Neriah's life was me crying and regretting having her. Poor James had to do all the feedings, and I was so upset that I couldn't feed her, that I couldn't even be in the room while he did it. I was so mad at Neriah, and I felt so jealous that James loved her so much, whereas I didn't feel like I did.

I started pumping right away, and my milk came in on day three I think. I was lucky to produce a lot, and had enough to feed Neriah all breastmilk. No more formula!!

After a couple of days, we got a tube thing that attached to the syringe so we could tape it to our finger and finger feed her (as shown in the picture). That was SO much easier because there was no way to injure Neriah's poor mouth. We began to get into a rhythm with finger feeding, and I started to feel better. I offered my breast at least once a day, which always ended in both Neriah and me bawling out of frustration, and me passing her to James to feed. It was horrible.

We finger fed Neriah for three weeks. She got so much air and would cry out of pain because of the gas. The syringe was a 20cc syringe, and Neriah sometimes ate close to 200cc's. Feeding her sometimes took close to three hours because we constantly had to burp her, refill the syringe, and warm the breastmilk. It was so tiring. By the time we were done with a feed, it was almost time to feed her again.

Everyone kept telling us that she would eventually get it. All I wanted to do was give up and giver her a bottle with formula. I hated pumping every two-four hours. Sometimes I would miss a pump, and I was so scared my supply would dry up. At the same time, I almost wanted it to so I could just give up. Neriah had successfully latched on a couple of times, which kept me from giving up. I knew she COULD get it.

Honestly, one of the main things that kept me from giving up was the midwives. I couldn't face going to an appointment and telling them I was bottle feeding formula. I had it in my mind that I would give up after my last, 6 week appointment.

The midwives referred me to the breastfeeding clinic in Vancouver. We went in to show the doctor what Neriah would do at the breast. She would latch on, suck for a bit, pull off. Repeat until she was screaming in frustration. Well, at the clinic, Neriah latched on right away!! I was SO mad! She had done this previously at the midwife's office too. Luckily, she didn't stay on long, and the resident got to see a little of what she usually did. The doctor came in and told me to use the nipple shield. I had tried this before, and it hurt SO badly. I did not want to use it. The tried to get Neriah to latch on the shield so that it wouldn't hurt, but it still did. They still wanted me to use it and they made me an appointment to go back in a week. They also gave us permission to use bottles. What a blessing to not have to finger feed anymore!! Though it took some time for Neriah to figure out how to use a bottle, it was still easier than finger feeding.

Neriah didn't latch on once after the clinic appointment. When we went back to the clinic, again, Neriah latched on right away and had a full feed on both breasts. The doctor acted like it was my fault for not trying hard enough. Was she aware of all I had been through?! That we were so determined to breastfeed that we finger fed for three weeks?! The doctor actually acted like we were stupid for finger feeding. Both appointments kind of made me feel dumb, and really weren't that helpful.

However, after that second appointment, when Neriah was four weeks old, she finally started to get the hang of breastfeeding!! We were still using the nipple shield, but that was okay. I was so excited and proud of my little baby!

Today is the first day we haven't used a bottle. AND we've only used the nipple shield once, and only on one side!! I am SO glad I didn't give up!!! That's not to say it's easy. It's still hard. We both still get frustrated sometimes. It still hurts. I actually heated up a bottle today when Neriah had been feeding for over two hours, and I didn't see an end in sight. She wouldn't take it though, and I was kind of glad. Breastfeeding is finally becoming the 'bonding' experience everyone says it is!

Birth Story

I woke up on July 9th at 5am-ish to a 'gush' feeling. I assumed it was just discharge and almost went back to sleep, but decided to get up and go to the bathroom to check it out. What I found was tons of pink, very water-y discharge. I thought it was my water breaking because I always thought 'bloody show' was mucus-y. It wasn't my water though, because it didn't keep leaking. I was having menstrual-like cramps and a backache. James randomly woke up at the same time (very weird for him to wake up so early). When he walked passed the bathroom, I called him in and showed him the damage in my panties, and told him I thought I was in labour. I was shaking like crazy!!

I called my doula right away, and she told me to call when anything changed. I started timing my contractions, and they were already 3-5 min. apart, lasting about 30-60 seconds, but they still didn't hurt, and I had no trouble talking through them. Because they were already so close and my doula lives a good 45 min. away, she decided to make her way to me. :)

I showered and got ready for the journey ahead! I was SO excited/anxious. When the doula, Shan, arrived, we just hung out and talked for a while, and then she made me go for a walk. We walked down to the park near our house and did the stairs a billion times. I warned her I was a whiner, and I'm glad I did, because I did NOT want to do the stairs. So I whined about it, and did it anyway. We went back home and it started to become a little more difficult to talk through contractions, but I still felt totally fine. We went for a second walk/stair climbing outing, and Shan told me I could stop and 'dance' through contractions if I needed to. In all honesty, I really wanted to stop during contractions, because they were really starting to hurt, but I was too embarrassed to do it on the street. :) So I just walked/climbed through them.

The contractions got really strong around 2-3pm. The midwife came to check in after clinic hours, probably around 4 or 5pm. She decided to stay because my contractions were strong, long, and close together. Both the midwife and Shan guessed I'd be having my baby before midnight!!

We started filling the tub, and it felt so awesome to get in. From there I really lost track of time. The contractions were so intense! I couldn't have done it without Shan, the midwife, and James. I had back labour the whole time, and I need someone pushing hard on my back during every contraction. We weren't really sure why I was having such intense back labour, because the baby was in the proper position. We found out later!!

When I got checked, I was four centimeters, and there was a bulging bag. This meant that the baby's head couldn't push properly on my cervix. I was given the option to have the bag broken. After talking it through with Shan, I decided to do it. It *should* have sped things up a bit because the head could push better on my cervix, though I was warned the contractions would get more intense. I decided I would rather have it faster and more intense than longer, because it was already turning into a long labour, and I was getting tired! I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and I don't think I was drinking enough.

Getting my water broken was the most intense part of the labour up til that point! OUCH! This was done around 11pm. I started having trouble coping at that point, but I was still doing my best. The water was amazing, as were the midwife, Shan, and James! Little did I know that James was really struggling through the process. I made him get in the tub with me to push on my back. He told me later he was really angry that I was going through so much pain. After a while, they moved me out of the water because labour wasn't moving along. This was around 12:30 and I was 6cm.

I then laboured sitting backward on the toilet with a pillow on the tank to lean on. Shan and the midwife took turns sitting on the birthing ball behind me to push on my back. I really couldn't cope at this point. I remember yelling, "Someone help me! I don't know what to do!" while bawling. I don't remember the pain now, but just thinking about yelling this makes me tear up a bit. It was so intense!!! James had to step out during this time. I guess he stopped being able to cope too. :) He went out to the street to pray, and he could hear me screaming from there. Poor guy.

I was checked again around 4am, hoping I was closer to 10cm. We were all surprised to hear that I was STILL 6cm. I told the midwife before she checked me, that if nothing had changed, I had to go to the hospital to get an epidural. I was devastated. I felt like such a failure, and I could hear certain people in my life saying, "I told you so!" I just couldn't cope anymore though. It had almost been 24 hours of labour, and I was exhausted.

The drive to the hospital was the worst thing ever. I had two loooooooong contractions. Sitting upright with no pressure on my back was hell. I was literally SCREAMING. James was speeding like crazy, and when we got there, he RAN into the emergency room. The hospital staff offered me a wheel chair, but there was no way I could sit down. I had to stop a bunch of times on the way to maternity ward, and I was yelling in the halls. I felt bad for people who were trying to sleep, but I couldn't help it!

Once I got to the room, I was put in a gown (I honestly have no memory of this) and was given Nitrous Oxide. It was gross, it did nothing, and I hated it. I was given an IV. On the first attempt, the nurse blew my vein. It hurt really badly. At this point, James was throwing up in the bathroom. He said he couldn't handle seeing me in so much pain, and he saw all the blood as my vein was blown, and it was all too much for him.

I was also given Fentanyl , which is a narcotic. It made me instantly loopy and I felt super dizzy. Everything was happening so quickly, and the pain was so intense, I honestly don't remember much of this. My midwife fought for me to get the epidural right away, and I got it around 6 or 6:30am. FINALLY RELIEF!! The effects were all the way up to my breasts, and the nurse was surprised I wasn't struggling to breath, but I felt fine. I slept on and off while the nurse took my blood pressure and messed with me. I wasn't allowed to eat, so it had been over 24 hours. I ate ice chips once and a while. I was starving.

I was also really emotional that I had to come to the hospital and get drugs. I had dreams of the perfect homebirth you see in videos, and it's so not what I got. I felt like such a failure, but Shan and the midwife told me I did great, and I worked hard, and I shouldn't feel bad. Once a doctor came in and pretty bluntly told me that I might need a csection and it wasn't that big of a deal because they do them all the time. I started bawling. A section was my worst nightmare, and so far from the homebirth I had planned!

I hung out with Shan and James (when he wasn't sleeping) for a long time. My contractions slowed down a little bit, and I had to get a little bit of pitocin. FINALLY at 12:30pm, I was 10cm. Though the epidural was wearing off, I couldn't feel my contractions at first, so I was told when to push. James couldn't handle watching me in pain again, so he hung out on the floor of the bathroom. We told him we'd call him when the baby was coming.

After the first hour or two of pushing, I started being able to feel the contractions and the urge to push. It was intense. I could feel the baby moving down. I didn't know it, but the nurse was hinting to the midwife that I should get some help to get the baby out (the vacuum), but the midwife held her ground. I was progressing, and the baby was handling the labour/pushing fine, so she let me keep going. At the almost four hour mark, my midwife started thinking about calling for the vacuum. She was going to give me 15 more min. (She didn't tell me this). Apparently I read her mind, cause at that point I started pushing really well, and they started being able to see the baby's head!! The crowning stage hurt pretty badly; the whole 'ring of fire' thing. I was yelling for her to pull the baby out, but she kind of laughed and said she couldn't do that. The feeling of the baby's body coming out was the weirdest thing. I guess I just said, "Whoa". Then all of a sudden she was on my belly!! James apparently said, "We have a human!" Shan made fun of him after... haha.

Neriah was so beautiful! She was semi blue and her breathing sounded weird to James and me, but everyone said it was all normal! She gave me a second degree tear because her hand was up near her face. This is why I didn't dilate properly. Her head was tilted because of her hand near her face, and the cord was wrapped around her shoulder holding her hand/arm up there! This was also the reason for the back labour. Her elbow was jamming in my back the whole time!

Neriah had to spend the night in the NICU because her eyes kept shaking back and forth and her whole face kind of twitched/tensed up. It was pretty scary, but everything turned out to be fine. In the NICU they gave her a bottle of formula and a bath without asking/letting us watch. At the time I was too exhausted and not thinking properly to care much, but looking back it makes me really mad. I didn't want her to have a bottle, formula, OR a bath. GRR!

After processing the whole experience, I no longer feel like a failure. I did my best, and my midwife told me at a later appointment that she has no doubt I could have birthed my baby at home if her hand wouldn't have been up at her face. She said I did my labour and then some. :) I'm still disappointed of course, but I did what I HAD to do. I'm actually finding everything after her birth to be harder than getting her here. I didn't have that 'instant bond' everyone talks about. I wasn't 'in love' with Neriah right away, and I didn't feel like I loved her for over a week.
Feeding her has been the hardest struggle of all, and caused me a lot of resentment toward her and toward James who didn't have to feel the same struggle, and got to love her/bond with her with no strings attached. I'll write more about that another time seeing as this is already a novel. Just know that things are so much better now and even though from the beginning of labour to now nothing has been what I thought it would be, I wouldn't trade Neriah for the world. I love her more than I thought possible, and I told her the other day that even if she never breastfeeds, she's exactly the baby I wanted. :)

God has taught me so much through her already, and I know this will continue my whole life! How exciting!

Neriah Margaret

I went into labour early on July 9th, and had my 8lbs 10.6oz baby girl at 3:26pm on July 10th. I will write out my birth story when our wireless starts working. It's too hot in the solarium to stay in here long. Here are some pictures of our beautiful little girl!